Drew Pitzarella
Pittsburgh, PA

^{"I don't know if you noticed or not but I'm an extremely arrogant man who tends to think all of his plans will work!"
-Rodney McKay, Stargate: Atlantis}

M y  B e s t  F r i e n d

     Normally, when I wake up, the sun is just coming up; however, today it was much too early for that. Today, I woke up to darkness. That’s when Mike gets up.

     My roommate, Mike, woke me up by accident. He delivers for the local newspaper while the rest of the people with normal jobs are sleeping. Allow me to clarify. He didn’t intend on waking me; he was just doing his normal routine. On his way out, he slammed the door.

     Bastard.

     Later, at breakfast, I was staring at my roommate’s plate. I am on a new diet and the only food it allows is terrible. Apparently, I am slightly overweight for my age and height. So, Dante tells me not to eat anything else. The food is terrible, so hard, dry, and crunchy. It’s like eating Styrofoam.

     By the way, I am comfortable with the way I look.

     Oh, I almost forgot to mention that Dante is my roommate’s name. Well, one of my roommates. My other roommate’s name is Mike. They live on the second floor of the apartment.

     It’s a house, but it’s an apartment.

     Mike’s room is at the top of the steps and to the left and slightly down the hall is Dante’s room. We all live off campus; Mike and Dante go to college, but I graduated from a different school awhile ago. I used to live with Dante and his family when we were younger, but now I’m just livin’ with the guys.

     “Later, pals!” says Mike as he walks out the front door. Oh, sure now he doesn’t slam it. Anyway, Dante will stay until late afternoon.

     My roommates and I usually don’t talk too much. I’m sort of the wallflower of the group. At least that’s how I see it.

     I prefer communicating with body language; it’s just easier and more efficient. A grunt here, a nod there… I think you get it. I only speak when they tell me to.

     Dante and I watch a little television together. We see Bob Barker; we see Montel Williams. We see previews for new movies that look bad; we see those stupid commercials that I just don’t get. Well, I get the joke the commercial is trying to convey; I get it... I just don’t want it.

     “Hey guys!” we hear from the back door. It’s Josie. Josie is Dante’s supposed girlfriend. A girl hangs around for six months and she thinks she’s marked her territory sufficiently. Let me tell you, it takes years of marking your territory on Dante to make him understand. Trust me. I’ve been doing it for most of my life. Wait… that came out wrong. I don’t like, mark my territory on him, I just... well, never mind.

     Anyway, she’s here to pick him up.

     I see a commercial for Pepsi.

     Dante and Josie talk. They talk about nothing; they talk just to hear themselves talk… or wait, that’s just Josie.

     Josie and that empty smile. Josie and her weird smell. Now, I’m not saying that I think she smells bad, just that she has a certain smell to her that overwhelms the room. Needless to say, I don’t like it much.

     Josie comes up to me and says, “How are you, little guy?” I give a sort of grunt. Dante says my name out of the side of his mouth, and I stop.

     I see Mazda, and I see Survivor. I see Gap and then Pepsi again. Then, out of nowhere comes the talking Gecko.

     Ridiculous.

     They both say “See you later.” I give them a signal that I have acknowledged the fact that they are leaving, and my day continues.

     I try for a midday nap, but thoughts of Josie keep me from having any sort of good rest. I think of how Dante and I were such great friends over the years, but now there’s Josie. I think of the time Dante was talking about how much The Empire Strikes Back was so much better than Return of the Jedi because the ending is “an ending, but really more of a ‘to be continued.’” Then I think of our walks. Dante and I used to walk every day. This helps me sleep.

     As I dose off, I awake to a slamming door again, and it’s Mike.

     Bastard!

     Mike tells me in a panic “Hey, man, I gotta ride you to the doctor’s. I almost forgot.” Oh, that’s right. I have to go to the doctor’s today. I hate the doctor’s; I always get a pill that I hate and blood taken from a needle as thick as a telephone pole.

     The doctor took a substantial amount of blood to test, wrote a prescription, and then explained the steps in taking the medication. He then proceeded to include a how-to-take-medication guide in his fun, little, take-home, doctor gift bag.

     Did I mention how much I hate doctors?

     This guy was such a jerk. It was as if he was telling all of the instructions to Mike and not me.

     Quack.

     I guess he just assumed I was disoriented from the blood work.

     Which I still am.

     Anyway, time for a Styrofoam gourmet; a smorgasbord of light, yet dry, delicacies and… whatever.

     We watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. We watch cartoons with adult oriented humor. I watch Josie very subtly. She treats me like a baby, and she treats Mike like he’s an idiot. She orders Dante around like an employee. What a head case. I sit and stare at Josie. I sit and think, she isn’t good enough for my friend. I think, I wish they would just break up. Dante would be much better off single again. He would be better off not getting ordered around. He would be better off without being told to change his clothes or shave his goatee.

     He should totally grow that thing back; it was an awesome goatee.

     He would be better off without being told to change his major, to make Mike pay more rent even though he’s paying for college entirely on his own. Even with two jobs, Mike struggles.

     The next day went according to schedule. I woke up, ate, said goodbye to Mike, said goodbye to Dante, sort of averted my attention from Josie.

     Some time later in the week, Josie left Dante a note to pick her up somewhere. To be honest, I don’t know where. I believe it was some art gallery or something; truthfully, I don’t really care.

     My point is he didn’t pick her up. He said he never saw a note. He said there was no note. He’s on the phone with Josie asking Mike, “Mike, did you see a note here?”

     Mike shrugs heavily while holding his beer.

     “See? Mike even said there wasn’t a note. Maybe you just forgot to write it.” I can hear Josie on the phone, screaming from the other end.

     Mike and I continue watching our zombie movie. We continue ignoring the cell phone argument going on in the kitchen.

     We see new and exciting products that will change our lives on this planet forever.

     “Finally, a way to microwave your eggs!”

     And then there’s Pepsi again. I can’t drink Pepsi because it goes against that diet.

     Eventually, we hear Dante say “Hello? Hello?” and then flip his phone shut asking Mike if he was sure about the note. Mike just replies “No, man, I swear there wasn’t a note there.”

     Of course, Josie wouldn’t be reasonable. I knew she wouldn’t. Maybe Josie forgot to write the note like Dante said. Perhaps this supposed note was swept off of the table by Mike and his large collection of papers after he slammed the door of course.

     Buddy.

     Maybe, after it fell to the floor, he dragged it out on the bottom of his shoe never to be seen again. Or maybe, it stuck to my foot, or Dante’s foot and was dragged out. Who cares? Or maybe I ate it… who wouldn’t with this diet. I’m prone to eat anything. Oh God, I would kill for one…

     Cheetos.

     I just saw a commercial for Cheetos.

     I later found out that Josie and Dante were working out “problems.” And that the fight really didn’t prove to her that Dante was helping them work toward a solution. Dante just thinks she is overreacting, but I know Josie, in her own little mind, thinks she is reacting perfectly.

     A week has passed and they are talking again; talking, but I think they are on a “break.”

     Whatever.

     I really need to go to sleep. It’s late. Maybe they’ll break up all the way and break up for good. I don’t know though. Maybe this is just my Empire Strikes Back, because with an ending like this, who knows?

     I am really sleepy.

     I got this haircut today, like the first time in months, and they tied this stupid red bow around my neck afterwards, like they always do, as if these damn tags weren’t bad enough.